


Halcyon

by LittleLynn



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Amnesia, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Emotional Memory, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Get together fic, not in that order
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:27:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29941701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleLynn/pseuds/LittleLynn
Summary: halcyon(a)denoting a period of time in the past that was idyllically happy and peaceful
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 69
Kudos: 89





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Amnesia fic where janeway and chakotay loose everything but their emotional memories?? what could possibly go wrong?? 
> 
> Set in the general ballpark of S5 and canon compliant up until the point that the fic starts (✿◠‿◠) this chapter is a bit shorter than the rest will be by virtue of being the prologue ~
> 
> I hope you enjoy the new ride!

The planet was ecologically difficult, that was the best way Kathryn could think to describe it. Seemingly undisturbed by intelligent life - until they had arrived, of course - despite being an M-Class planet, nature had been left to run its course. And run she had. 

The rain was torrential, the rocks they were clambering over jagged enough to slice uncareful skin, and made slippery and treacherous by the torrents of water beating down on them. The plant life was thick and hardy, covering the ground like a thick layer of blankets, looking almost soft until you became aware of the huge roots lying in wait just beneath - already two members of the away team had been beamed back to Voyager with turned ankles. 

It had been a long time since Kathryn had been anywhere so bracing, so teaming with nature’s own destructive edge. In truth, soaked through and scrambling over rocks, she was rather enjoying herself, and by his smile, she would bet that her first officer was feeling the same.

They had been tipped off by the entarans that this planet had a robust edible plant life that they would be able to refill their stocks from, as well as collect seed reserves and give a little new variety to their meals. Practically on their way, they had scanned the planet, found no evidence of sentient life, and beamed people down to the planet. With strict instructions not to eat anything without having it checked on board first, everyone had spread out in pairs of groups of threes.

The storm had come as a bit of a shock, forming suddenly, and it only seemed to be growing steadily heavier. 

“Do you think we should beam everyone out?” Chakotay asked, shouting to be heard over the sound of branches clattering together in the wind. 

“Probably a good idea. It keeps getting stronger, we don’t know how bad it might get,” Kathryn agreed, albeit a little regretfully; they could come back when it passed, keeping her crew safe had to be her priority. 

“Chakotay to Voyager,” her first officer said, tapping his comm badge, only to hear static in return. 

“The storm must be causing too much interference,” she shook her head, suddenly beginning to worry for her crew. They had all lived on a spaceship for the last five years, what any of their survival skills were in a storm these days she had no idea. Sloppy of her, she should have kept their training up, and she knew it. “We should try to find everyone, get them safe,” she shouted, Chakotay still straining to hear. He shook his head. 

“No. We’ll never find them in this and without communications. We need to get ourselves to shelter,” he practically bellowed, the wind trying to steal his voice away before it could reach her ears, but they were standing close together, practically touching. Caught in each other’s orbit, as usual. 

She was ready to protest, thinking of Seven, who as far as she was aware had never in her life been in a wilderness survival situation, and of ensign Harris, who got cold so easily, but then as if to illustrate Chakotay’s words, a branch broke off of one of the trees and nearly landed on them both. Still she looked over her shoulder, back to where they had all split off in different directions, weighing what she knew was sensible, and being willing to wade through fire - or indeed water - to keep her crew safe. 

“Kathryn,” a stern voice cut through the wind, Chakotay’s large hand encompassing her smaller one and tugging her west instead. “They’ll be fine. I think i saw some caves this way.”

“The crew - ” she started, even as she allowed herself to be led. 

“You can’t help them if you get yourself hurt,” he yelled. “Watch out!” He pulled her close with a sudden yank on her hand, hauling her into his body and away from the falling rocks clattering off the cliff beside them. It moved her eyes just in time to see the low branch swinging out wildly in the wind, and pull him down low enough to duck from its path before they started fighting their way through the deluge. 

The rain made it difficult to see, but Chakotay turned out to be right, and after half a minute more of wading through the storm, they turned into a blissfully dry cave. She had lost a boot on the way, sucked down by the mud, but she had seen no sense in going after it, even if she now felt a little ridiculous, dripping wet from head to toe with only one shoe. 

“We can’t just leave them out there,” Kathryn said, wringing out her hair as anxiety for her crew began to seep in, now that she was out of imminent danger herself. 

“We have no chance of finding them in that, we’d only end up getting ourselves hurt,” Chakotay reasoned, unzipping his jacket and slipping out of the sleeves before beginning to squeeze out the water. “They’re well trained, they’ll find shelter, there seem to be lots of caves in the area.”

“Well trained,” Kathryn shook her head, hands on hips as she began to pace. “Usually I would agree with you, but when was the last time we ran a survival drill on the holodeck? It kept getting pushed back and back until it wasn’t even on the agenda anymore. It was an oversight and I knew better.”

“Kathryn,” Chakotay said, taking gentle hold of her shoulders as she went to pace past him, stilling her. “The weather is not your fault. And you don’t need fresh survival training to shelter from a storm, just common sense, which they have in spades.” She pulled a skeptical face, thinking about Lieutenant Garcia and the replicator incident the week before. He read her easily. “Alright, most of them do at least.”

“Fine,” she sighed, knowing he was right as lightning cracked and thunder rumbled just outside the mouth of the cave. “We’ll just have to wait.” She wiped some water from her forehead. 

“On most planets, storms this sudden and strong don’t last very long, at least,” he said, always ready with a silver lining for her, his smile warming her even as she started to feel a chill from the wet.

“On New Earth it felt like it went on for hours,” she replied, regretting her words immediately, their time on New Earth was dangerous ground, and they had barely spoken of it in three years. They had teetered on the edge of something, something vast and undeniable, a longing, desire and need for one another. And they had both known that given just one more week to let go of the past, she would have finally given in to what her heart wanted, had wanted for a long time.

Still wanted. 

Sometimes she wished Voyager had been just a week later in returning for them. Other times she was relieved it hadn’t been. It would have been near-impossible to go back, if she had learned his touch. 

But they were silly, foolish thoughts that didn’t help anyone. It had been years, she had no delusions that Chakotay still carried a torch for her, though sometimes she hoped, even suspected, only to then feel selfish for the thought. At least, she had become good at shielding her own heart. 

Besides, nothing had changed since they’d been picked up from that damn planet, nothing had changed since that evening, when Chakotay had come to her quarters and said  _ Kathryn _ with too much emotion, his every feeling laid bare in that one word, a plea for what could have been. And she had swallowed around the choking lump in her throat and replied,  _ Commander _ , and watched as his lips turned down, the slow nod of his head. 

The worst part had been his understanding. Showing her in every action and word since that day that he knew why she had done it, that it didn’t change anything, that he was still Chakotay and she was still Kathryn, that he would always stand beside her. That he still loved her, in that moment, at least, even as she broke his heart. 

No. The worst part had been the kiss he had laid to her cheek after that damming  _ commander _ had left her mouth. His lips had been soft, the movement slow and tender, giving her time to pull away. She hadn’t dared move, knowing that if she did there was no reality in which she pushed him away instead of pulling him closer. She had felt the ghost of that kiss to her cheek ever since, like some kind of feather-light brand. 

Back in the present Chakotay reached out and tucked a soggy lock of Kathryn’s hair behind her ear. She shivered from the touch, but knew it could easily be attributed to the cold. 

“The real question is, are you more worried about the crew here, or the monkey there,” he asked, so easily defusing the tension the memory drew, the crackle in the air between them that it evoked. He defused it for her, she knew it instinctually, so that she was comfortable and yet more regrets didn’t come curling up her spine. It was in moments like these that she wondered:  _ does he still… _ . But that line of thought didn’t help anyone at all. 

She smiled at his words, laughing a genuine laugh and smiling. “Well, the monkey was smaller, but he did know how to handle himself,” she replied, patting his chest before putting a little space between them. “We should probably check the cave for life.” Voyager hadn’t picked up any fauna on the planet, but storms and caves could interfere with readings, and it was better to be safe. 

Chakotay noticed her bootless foot and raised an eyebrow, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Want me to cover that? Walking around looks a little perilous with only cotton for protection.”

Instinct had her wanting to protest, insist on doing the check, she was the captain and it was potentially dangerous, but the rocks scattered on the floor looked sharp, and the chances of there being anything in here were slim anyway, and she agreed, finding somewhere to sit while Chakotay checked the cave. 

“All clear,” he reported, re-emerging a few minutes later. He cleared away a few rocks and set down beside her, close enough that their shoulders were touching. Kathryn took off her remaining boot and poured out a startling amount of water, and Chakotay chuckled as she did. 

“What do you think the chances are of finding the other one when the storm clears?” She mused, putting her shoe aside and stretching out her legs, her clothes were cold and she’d have traded a month’s replicator rations for a single towel, but there was nothing she could do about either of those things, short of stripping out of all of her wet clothes. But that was hardly a viable course of action, and the thought alone seemed dangerous with Chakotay’s leg pressing up against hers. 

“Hmm, slim to none, but I wouldn’t put anything past you,” Chakotay replied, he had laid his jacket out beside them, though he was still soaked right through, just like she was. Really she shouldn’t worry about the shoe, it was a simple enough task to replicate a new one, but it also meant a few days of blisters as she wore the new one in. 

They sat in a comfortable silence as time ticked by, the sound of the storm howling and thundering just outside, cold wind licking into their sanctuary uninvited, and showing no signs of stopping. After a little while she pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them as she suppressed a shiver. 

“Cold?” Chakotay asked, concern touching the edges of his voice.

“A little,” she replied. 

“Here,” Chakotay said, wrapping one of his arms around her shoulders and pulling her closer into his body, tucked into his side, a dripping parody of how she had daydreamed of them spending cosy evening together more times than she cared to count. He was just as wet from the rain as she was, but not half as cold, his body still radiating a little heat through the damp.

“Why is it you aren’t cold,” she grumbled, at least in part to distract herself from their current position, unwilling to pull away for more reasons than the slight warmth. 

“Not sure, I’ve always run a little hot. At least that’s what my mother told me,” Chakotay answered, rubbing his hand up and down her bicep. 

“That’s just not fair,” she said, ostensibly about their difference in body temperature. 

“Maybe not, but I don’t mind sharing,” he said, she couldn’t see his grin without turning her head - and she dared not for how close she knew it would bring their faces - but she knew it was there all the same. 

They returned to their quiet, though it felt a little more fragile than before, Kathryn not saying anything for risk it might stop the movement of his hand. But in the quiet her worry for her crew started to creep back in, and when Chakotay noticed her looking anxiously at the storm raging at the cave mouth, he began a steady stream of talk. 

He spoke about the leaky tap in his ‘fresher, about ensigns Haatad and Thompson switching around to get on the safe duty shifts, Tom’s new holodeck program, the recipe he wanted to try the next time they had dinner, even a bean he had found that he suspected might be some kind of Delta Quadrant coffee plant that he planned to surprise her with. The whole time he spoke, his hand kept up it’s steady movement on her arm, it didn’t take long for her to forget that she had ever been cold. 

“Did you hear that?” She said suddenly, leaning forward just slightly, not enough to dislodge her commander’s arm. She thought she had heard a sound like falling stones, coming from deeper in the cave. 

“Must just be the wind and storm playing tricks on our ears,” Chakotay replied, though he was frowning. But surely there was no other explanation, they had searched the planet for life and found nothing beyond plants, and Chakotay had checked the cave. 

Still they both listened carefully for a few moments, Chakotay’s hand dropping to the small of her back as he adopted a more poised position, ready to act as they looked to where the cave stretched out into nothingness. 

But they were looking the wrong way to act fast enough, and by the time they noticed the whirling, drowning creatures appear in the cave mouth, crackling with natural lightning, it was too late to act. 

“Chakotay!” Was all Kathryn managed, grabbing his arm as a hand reached out for each of them, and a shock of cold white lightning shot through them both, snapping through their brains and knocking them both out cold. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Next chapter should appear in the next few days <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so so much for your lovely comments, they really mean the world <3

The sound of people talking over you while you were lying on a bio bed, recently unconscious, was disconcerting and disorientating, especially when you didn’t recognise the voices. She considered sitting up to get her bearings, but a headache was still thundering through her skull that made her think better of it, and her limbs weren’t responding properly anyway. 

Besides, she didn’t recognise the voices, but they were...comforting, and she felt like they meant her no harm. There was no urgency, no fight or flight response. Only a headache, and an unknown voice that set her at ease somehow. 

“You’ve must know something by now doc,” one of the more impatient of the gaggle of voices assembled said. 

“As I have said frequently over the last hour Mr Paris, I won’t know anything until they wake up. The brain is a mysterious organ, it’s impossible to say how it will respond. And to save you the trouble, my answer will be the same in fifteen minutes when you ask again, unless the captain and commander have woken up,” a more shrill but equally impatient voice replied, presumably, the doctor. 

Basic reasoning told her that she was one of the people they were waiting to wake up. But, she realised, heartbeat quickening, she didn’t know which one was her. It occurred to her then, with a flash of panic, that she didn’t know who she was.

Trying to keep a hold of herself and her panic in check with iron control she didn’t recall having, she slowly blinked open her eyes. The light was like an assault, and for a moment it made her so queasy she didn’t think she would be able to stand it. But her eyes adjusted without her losing her lunch - or whatever meal she’d last had, she didn’t feel hungry, but she didn’t remember eating. Ever. In her life. Because she didn’t remember her life - and she managed to keep them open with only an extra decibel of thundering in her head. 

“Captain, you’re awake!” A pleased voice greeted her, a woman with ridges on her forehead, reaching out to help her sit as too many people for her to keep track of crowded around her and asked her too many question to answer. . 

She didn’t know this woman, but as she looked at her, at all of them, a feeling of friendship washed over her. Alright then, she couldn’t remember this woman, but she did know her; an important distinction. Conscious memory obliterated, subscious intact, perhaps? But what could have caused such a thing. It occurred to her they would probably have a better idea than her. 

“Apparently so,” she replied to the woman with the ridges’ initial greeting. The sea of faces she didn’t recognise coupled with a wave of happy emotions upon seeing them was more disorientating than the headache that was making the room tilt. 

“Captain, excellent. Mr Paris can stop badgering me for information. How are you feeling?” 

“Like my brain has been stolen by an over enthusiastic drummer,” she replied, struggling to stay upright. 

“Here, this should take the edge off that,” the doctor replied, pressing a hypospray to her neck. The relief was instant, and she smiled at him, rubbing her neck. “Well we can rule out my major concerns, you’re aware and appear to be in full control of your faculties. Does anything feel strange? Any other problems?”

“Uh, just the one I think,” she said, focusing just on the doctor’s face. “I don’t know your name. Any of your names. In fact I don’t even know my own name, come to think of it. I don’t know where I am or remember anything about my life or this place.” 

The silence that followed dragged on for a long time as these people digested what she said, it took a little longer than she thought it would and she fidgeted awkwardly. 

“Oh dear,” the doctor eventually settled on, silently, she concurred. “Are you sure, you don’t seem very panicked, perhaps things are just moving a bit slowly for you?”

“I’m sure,” she replied with a lopsided smile. “It’s difficult to explain, I don’t remember anything, but when I look at each of you I feel friendship and warm emotions, the room makes me feel safe if a little sorrowful too - perhaps someone I knew died here? - but I don’t know where we are.”

“How fascinating,” the doctor said, which caused most of the other people here to frown, but personally she agreed with him. 

“Perhaps we should focus less on fascination, and more on restoring the captain’s memories,” suggested a level voice, belonging to a man with pointy ears standing with his back straight. Fondness flooded her as some part of her brain interpreted the cold logic as concern and affection. 

“Quite,” the doctor agreed. “I’ll have to run some tests.”

“Could somebody tell me my name?” She asked, feeling a little adrift as she tried to work out what was happening. “And perhaps give me the bullet points on...everything?” They all turned to her again, and despite the fact she knew she was in no danger, it was a little overwhelming.

“You’re Captain Janeway, Kathryn Janeway, I mean. You’re the captain, obviously,” a younger man said, one pip in his clothes, yellow and black uniform, eliciting a kind of maternal affection from her as he stumbled over his words in his haste. 

Kathryn. It felt like it was hers. Though admittedly ‘Captain’ a little moreso, at least from these mouths. 

“Captain. What am I captain of, exactly?” She continued, looking around herself for some clue, but finding nothing, not even windows.

“Voyager. A starship, that is. We’re in space,” Paris answered, and she nodded, Voyager sparking another sense of warm familiarity - of home. 

“Right.”

“We’re stranded in the Delta Quadrant, and we’re trying to get back to Earth, in the Alpha Quadrant,” one pip - if she couldn’t remember his name, that would have to do for now - informed her. 

She had the vaguest idea of where the Alpha and Delta Quadrants were, and wondered if she was mistaken, considering what a terribly long way away from each other they were. But that didn’t seem important right now. 

“You and commander Chakotay were hit with some kind kind of concentrated electrical energy weapon,” the doctor explained, and something about that name she didn’t recognise made her heart clench. “We were hoping you would be able to shed some light on what happened. But I’m guessing you don’t remember that either.” 

“No, sorry,” she shook her head. She looked down at her clothes, a uniform that matched the other’s, red and black, except hers was considerably more bedraggled, and looked a little singed. She didn’t have any shoes on, and thought that was odd, but again, probably not important. 

“We found no life forms anywhere near you, and none when we scanned the planet again. But the doc says you definitely didn’t get hit by lightning,” one pip said. 

“Well. Sorry I’m not going to be much help on that front,” Kathryn replied, letting the doctor attach a device behind her ear, presumably to scan her brain. She wasn’t likely to be much help on any front. 

“It is possible that the commander will wake up with his memory in one piece and be able to enlighten us, the brain is unpredictable,” the doctor said, the beep of his medical tricorder travelling around her head. 

“The commander,” Kathryn muttered, mostly to herself, her emotions were nagging at her, but without seeing or hearing him, she didn’t know why. 

“Yes, is anything coming back to you?” The doctor asked, she shook her head. 

“Can we wake him up?” Ridges asked, she was pacing near the foot of the bed, having to move around pointy-ears and an equally straight-backed blonde woman who was tapping at a datapad instead of looking at her. Kathryn was well aware she couldn’t be that woman’s mother, but the emotions somehow echoed the idea. 

“It’s better we wait for him to wake on his own,” the doctor replied, much to ridges’ apparent dissatisfaction. 

She walked away from Kathryn’s biobed and over to another, drawing Kathryn’s attention along with it. 

When she saw the figure lying there, the onslaught of emotions she had no context for was jarring. Distress at his state warred with relief at his presence, fear and longing and anxiety and guilt all clawed at her to be felt at once, regret so deep and profound it made her knees weak, and through it all the unmistakable burn of  _ love _ .

“ _ Chakotay _ ,” she gasped, remembering the name and stumbling from her bed. Her legs struggled to hold her up as she lunged towards him. They startled at her reaction but she couldn't fathom why, they all knew each other, they were close she could feel it, they should know. The doctor caught her arm as her unsteady legs briefly gave way again, but she pushed him off as she moved over to the other bed.

There was a bruise on his chin, a cut on his cheek. He wasn’t wearing a uniform jacket and his undershirt was singed just like hers. Her fingers on one hand curled unto his sleeve without her notice, and she traced the tattoo on his face. “Chakotay,” she said again, the name was more precious to her than her own. 

She loved every face in the room, but this was different. If they were a balmy summer day, this was a maelstrom of emotions roiling through her, each one demanding to be felt. She loved him, so much she could barely contain it, was shocked at how carelessly they had let her see him lying, hurt on a biobed. She carded her fingers through his hair and gripped his arm tighter. 

“Captain?” Came the questioning voice of the doctor, they were all looking at her with concern, absurd really, they should be looking at him. 

“Will he be alright?” She asked, it was a pointless question, she had just heard the doctor’s thoughts on Chakotay’s condition with her own ears, but emotion compelled her to ask anyway. 

The doctor didn’t have a chance to respond, as Chakotay’s eyes slowly opened. His face had bunched up in confusion in those moments between waking and opening his eyes, but when he saw her, his expression smoothed and he smiled at her, and her heart hammered, relief, joy, love. 

“This is going to sound strange,” he said, his voice affectionate, setting something inside of her at ease instantly, “but I think I know you.” 

“I know the feeling,” she laughed, a light, relieved laugh. He had deep brown eyes that watched her, as though memorising every inch of her face, as though he didn’t understand how he had forgotten it. She knew that feeling as well. 

She was reminded quickly that there were other people in the room with them, and she helped Chakotay into a sitting position as he went through much the same conversation as she had when she had first woken. At some point her hand had moved from its grip on his sleeve and into his hand, and he held it reassuringly tight. She felt grounded, with him beside her the worry that had been creeping in about her memory was chased away.

It seemed that Chakotay was in the same condition that she was, and the crew looked torn between relief and anxiety over the state of them; alive but not quite whole. Although, she would admit that she felt perfectly whole, but she knew she hadn’t entirely digested what was happening yet.

“It really is fascinating,” the doctor returned to his previous choice of adjective after hours of being poked and prodded. She doubted she would have gotten through it without Chakotay mirroring her expression and making her laugh, making her forget just how bad this might be. “I’ve no idea what could possibly cause conscious memories to vanish while subconscious, or at least emotional, memory remains entirely present.”

He wasn’t really talking to them, just musing aloud. Chakotay pulled a face, and she covered her laugh with her hand. It had been easy to tell, from the expressions from their assembled crew, that they weren't used to the...playfulness they were seeing, it made sense, she supposed. If she had any recollection of being their captain - or indeed training to be a captain - she was sure she would behave differently, and Chakotay also, as their commander. But neither of them did remember, and their commander seemed determined to make their captain giggle, frequently. 

“You  _ can’t _ have been hit by lightning, you haven’t the right markings and even the residual energy readings are wrong, but I cannot see what sort of weapon would have done this to you. Nor what the point would be in wiping on conscious memories - why not take it all? And you’re hardly blank slates, you remember commonplace things without issue, it’s just the details specific to your lives you’ve lost.  _ Fascinating _ ,” the doctor - or The Doctor, as he apparently didn’t have a name, which baffled Kathryn no small amount - continued. 

Perched on the edge of the bed opposite, Chakotay pretended to be dozing off. She swatted his knee. He grinned at her and felt a flutter in her chest. She wanted to talk to him alone, for lots of reasons, to commiserate over what had happened to them, to speculate, to make certain he was feeling the same things she was. She wanted to reacquaint herself with the person she so clearly loved in more ways than one, and without an audience. She could tell he felt the same. 

She wondered what the tendril of regret she felt when she looked at him could possibly have been about. But it was receding with every minute, retreating from a chasm to a slither already. Perhaps they had had a fight before they were knocked out. 

“Have you found anything else out of the ordinary?” Tuvok - the one with pointed ears - asked, pulling The Doctor back to the present. 

Ridges, Paris and one pip - B’Elanna, Tom and Harry, she had learned - had left sickbay and returned to their stations a while ago, but Seven and Tuvok had remained, compiling a pad full of what they believed to be pertinent information they needed to know. 

“Nothing outside of the disrupted memory engrams. Considering how much electricity they were hit with, they’re remarkably healthy,” The Doctor replied, even their various cuts and bruises had been healed over a while ago now. 

“Have you developed a course of treatment?” Seven asked, apparently she had been a borg and Kathryn had liberated her from the collective; not that she was entirely sure what any of that meant, beyond the vaguest idea of who the borg were. 

“I wish it were that simple, there is no hard and fast cure for amnesia,” he said, before addressing the rest to Kathryn and Chakotay, forcing them to stop their silent conversation of expression for a moment. “With any luck, your memories will come back on their own with enough time. But I will work on developing an alternate solution should that fail. The brain is largely uncharted territory, but then, we are explorers.”

“We should contact the entarans. They are the ones that directed us to the planet, perhaps they will know something of what befell the captain and commander. We should interrogate them,” Seven said, businesslike, fingers tapping over the datapad. 

“We will contact them, but we will not assume ill-intent,” Tuvok replied, leading Seven out of the room after a polite nod to both Kathryn and Chakotay. 

“In the meantime, I see no reason why you two need to stay here. You’re perfectly healthy, apart from the obvious, and it isn’t as though you can wander off. The crew has been informed of our condition, so just keep your cortical monitors on, check in every morning, and drop by if you start remembering things, clearly. Explore, it’s what you both do best. Maybe the rest of Voyager will kickstart your memories,” The Doctor informed them, tone slightly dismissive as he wished to be left to his work. She hopped down from the biobed, Chakotay following closely behind, his hand ghosting over the small of her back. 

“We would love to get out of your hair doctor,” Kathryn said, pausing upon realising that the doctor didn’t actually have any hair and practically able to feel Chakotay’s suppressed snigger behind her. “But beyond those doors neither of us has a clue where anything is.”

“Oh, of course. Here,” he said, handing them each a datapad with a schematic of the ship. “You’re here, in sick bay, then there’s the mess hall, the bridge, engineering, the holodeck, and your quarters here and here,” he pointed out the highlights before turning back towards his office too quickly to notice the look of confusion Kathryn and Chakotay shared at the separate quarters. 

And even if he had seen her hand in the crook of his elbow then well, it was hardly a rare sight between them anyway. 

“Separate rooms,” Chakotay commented as they tried to make sense of the schematic and wandered down a corridor. 

“That was...unexpected,” Kathryn agreed, a crewman walked past and smiled at them. 

“Maybe it’s because you’re captain and it’s just protocol,” Chakotay suggested as they headed towards a turbolift. They talked about where they were going first, but were headed up to the deck that held bother their -  _ separate _ \- quarters without needing to talk about it. A change of clothes was in order, and they both wanted to talk in privacy. “Or maybe we spend so much time together its nice to have a bit of space sometimes.”

“Hmm, reasonable, but difficult to imagine right now,” she replied, and he squeezed her hand before brining the knuckles up to kiss. 

“Or maybe I’m just a fool who hasn’t asked you to move in with me yet,” Chakotay grinned, making Kathryn’s heart flip-flop in her chest.

“How remiss of you,” she smiled as they exited the lift. 

“I’ll make it up to you,” he replied. They found the door to his quarters and went inside, it was tidy and full of little insights into Chakotay’s life, but they both gravitated towards his couch and sat close together, turned towards one another.

They were silent for a little while, Kathryn resting her head on the back of the couch as they just watched each other, catalogued everything they had forgotten. She closed her eyes when Chakotay reached out and cupped her cheek, thumb stroking over the soft skin there. 

“It’s so strange, to know you and not know you,” Chakotay said, his voice bringing her eyes open again. 

“I know. All I know is how I feel, it’s disorienting, but you’re my anchor.”

“How do you feel?”

“You know how.”

“Say it anyway.”

“I love you,” Kathryn breathed, letting the words fill her up.

“I love you too,” he answered her, the words soothing away some emotion in her she hadn’t understood, negative and jagged but gone now and already forgotten. 

“I’m so sorry I forgot you, even just for a second,” she whispered, feeling a stab of guilt no matter how irrational she knew it to be. 

“We haven’t forgotten. I would know you anywhere.” His hand moved to her hair, gently stroking free the tangles. “Maybe we’re lucky, we get to experience all the things we fell in love with for the first time all over again.” It was easy to understand why she loved him, even without the knowledge. 

“I like that idea,” she smiled at him, letting her hand rest over his heart. “Any theories about the cave we were found in?” Kathryn asked, 

“No. I don’t remember enough. Although,” he continued with a mischievous smile. “I didn’t have my jacket on and you were without your boots, I have some ideas about what we might have been up to.”

“Oh, care to share?” She teased, knowing full well what he was alluding to and feeling a thrill run up her spine. 

“What about a demonstration?” He proposed, his hands slipping to Kathryn’s wait and pulling her into his lap with a laugh. 

Kissing him didn’t make her remember how they had met, or what his favourite food was, or his mother’s name, or where he liked to go on the holodeck. But it did make her forget why any of that mattered as she fell in love all over again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! New chapter hopefully before or on saturday! <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I!! Have!! So!! Many!! JC!! Fics!! I!! Wanna!! Write!! Seriously though it’s getting out of hand, I have plans for ten, pray for me, wish me luck. The good news for you is that I'm very motivated to go as fast as I can right now. 
> 
> Also i’ve completely lost the art of writing short smut scenes, so most of this chapter is porn, enjoy ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

His hands were big on her hips, squeezing her as they kissed, every one of his fingers staking a claim. She was his and he was hers and she knew it down into her bones.His lips were soft but demanding, and he chuckled as she gave as good as she got, pushing back against him and nipping playfully at his lower lip. 

As his hands moved to her waist his tongue licked into her mouth, making her moan as he fucked into her mouth, leaving her tugging demandingly as much as she could on his short strands of hair and grind down in his lap. There was desire, a deep-set, longing need, swimming up her veins as he touched her, but there was no urgency, only exploration. 

Well, she had been told more than once now that they were explorers first and foremost. And she had found a terrain she would very much like to map. 

They kissed for so long time began to lose all meaning, whatever meaning it had when you were trapped on a ship in deep space with no sun anyway. They could have stayed like that for a week, a month, and she still wouldn’t have been ready to let go, wouldn’t have been done kissing him. She wondered how she could yearn so completely for someone who was already hers. If the way Chakotay’s hands were roaming all over her body were any indication, she wasn’t alone. 

Funny really, what a lonely experience being stranded so far from earth should be, yet feeling as though she had everything she needed, even if she didn’t exactly remember what that was. With Chakotay’s mouth hot on hers, what else could she need?

“You taste like coffee,” he murmured against her lips. 

“I think I feel almost as strongly about coffee as I do about you,” she teased, wondering what her favourite blend was, before the thought was chased away by Chakotay’s lips moving from her, and kissing along her jaw instead. She hummed contentedly as his teeth grazed against her, squirming in his lap and feeling his cock started to harden beneath her. 

“ _ Oh _ ,” she sighed as his mouth moved again, this time sucking on her neck, just over her pulse point and sending a wave of heat through her. 

“You like that?” He asked, voice smug.

“Apparently so,” she breathed out in reply.

“I’m going to find every single spot that makes you breathless. I want to know exactly how to touch you to make you come apart.” His words were a promise, said between kisses pressed into that sensitive spot. “And I don't intend on leaving these quarters until I know.” 

His voice made her shiver, anticipation burning at her nerves. She tugged the hem of his turtleneck, stripping it off of him and tossing it to the floor of her otherwise tidy quarters, her mouth practically watering at what she saw. His chest was broad and strong, and smooth under her hands as she pressed them against him, the feeling of skin on skin like electricity, she looked moon pale against his coppery skin.

She could feel the tension in his legs as he he forced himself to keep still for a moment while her hands explored, running from his shoulders, down his arms. She shuffled back a little, letting her fingers trail over his stomach and upwards, where she teased his nipples with the tips of her fingers, making him chuckle as goosebumps broke out over his skin. 

“I see you’re a tease, Kathryn,” he commented, catching her fingers when they plucked at him. She gave him her best faux-innocent look. 

“Am I? I wouldn’t know,” she batted her eyelashes and he laughed again, pulling her down for a kiss, making her collapse into him for a moment. 

She wished she could remember exactly how he liked to be touched, but also experienced a thrill at learning his body all over again. 

“My turn, I think,” he said, working her out of her many layers, her jacket and the turtleneck revealing an undershirt even beneath that. “It’s like unwrapping a present,” he teased, getting her to lift her arms up so that he could lift that from her too. 

She was wearing a bra still, one clearly built for functionality rather than titillation, but Chakotay looked entranced all the same. She squirmed as his hands ran up her bare sides, pausing in their path towards her bra, he raised an eyebrow at her.

“Ticklish?” 

“No,” she lied futilely. He got an impish look in his eye and tested his theory, deliberately tickling her and sending her gasping, limbs flying, as her body tried to squirm away from the sensation. He laughed, keeping her trapped in his lap and tickling her until she was breathless, the attack stopping after a few minutes with Chakotay laughing heartily, wrapping his arms around her body and bringing her close, burying his laughter in her neck as she caught her breath. 

When she felt like she could breathe again, her cheeks hurt for smiling and wouldn’t stop - not that she wanted to - all control lost in the arms of this man. She slapped him playfully on the shoulder. 

“I hadn’t realised you were so cruel,” she pouted - or tried to around her smile - but she was scratching her fingers through the short hair at the back of his neck, entirely content, so flooded with love she thought she would forget her own name all over again.

“I  _ adore  _ you. There isn’t a word I know that encompasses what you make me feel,” he exalted, pressing every word into her skin, before adding with a soft laugh. “How do we get anything done?”

“I have no idea,” she sighed, running her hands over his back, settling into his space, happy to stay there for eternity. It was easy to know what he meant, the intensity of feeling thumping through every cell of her being, she never wanted to move. 

His hands ran over the smooth skin of her back as his laughter turned back to kisses, seeking out every sensitive place on her neck and making a pleased noise when he found one on her clavicle, licking into the divot there and having her tremble in his lap. His hands moved to her sides, carefully this time, and moved slowly up until he met the fabric of her bra, leaving a path of gooseflesh in his wake. 

His kisses continued down past her collar bone, dragging his lips over her skin until he was kissing between her breasts while his hand toyed with the clasp of her bra at her back. 

“Chakotay,” Kathryn said, aiming for stern and of course missing by a light year, her hands on his shoulders, trying to urge him on. He looked up at her with glittering brown eyes and kissed her once more before leaning back just enough to be able to watch as he finally unhooked her bra. 

She watched the lust filling his face as she was bared for him, her bra joining the growing pile of clothes on the floor. She didn’t feel bashful as he drank her in, if anything she felt powerful, feeling the sway she had over him, his cock now fully hard and pressing against her. She could feel how big he was, how thick, and felt a craving growing in her core to feel him inside of her, pressing deep.

“How did I get so lucky?” He murmured, one of his warm hands cupping one of her breasts, squeezing gently and running his thumb over her peaked nipple and Kathryn could feel the growing wetness in her panties as he touched more of her. 

“Well,” she managed, breathless as his fingers massaged her, reminding her of how big his hands were. “We are stranded in the Delta Quadrant, can’t be that lucky,” she joked, but he looked up, catching her eyes with his and trapping her there.

“How did I get so lucky?” He repeated with such sincerity she felt as though he had reached inside her chest and taken physical hold of her heart. She whimpered at the emotions trying to drown her, her nails digging into his shoulders in response to how she ached for him, hungered, a black hole of desire and need that was obliterating every other thought in her head, as if she had never had him before. But look at them both, that was impossible. 

She learned about herself that she was bad at expressing her feelings as she struggled to find a word, any word in any language, that could even begin to justify what she felt. She learned from Chakotay’s expression that it didn’t matter, he knew, he already knew, they didn’t need words. 

He drew her into another long kiss, one that said more than words could. He had her moaning through it, increasingly needy as he teased her nipples and massaged her breasts, but she got her wits about her again after a few long moments of delirium, and rocked down against him in a deliberate tease that had him groaning and bucking up against her. She grinned in her victory and used his distraction to center herself enough to get a hand inside his pants, wrapping her fingers around the hot shaft of his cock and giving him a firm stroke. 

He all but growled at her but she kept her position on top of him with a look, she wondered if it was a command look, amused by the thought, as he sunk shakily, obediently, playfully, back into the couch, his hands heavy on her hips. His breath grew ragged and his grip on her tightened, making her wonder how easily she bruised, hoping his fingers would imprint on her skin, hidden away, a sight just for them. 

“ _ Kathryn _ ,” his voice was wrecked as she ran a finger over the leaking tip of his cock, pleading, and she couldn’t deny him. 

They were inelegant stripping off the rest of their clothes, unwilling to relinquish their position and getting tangled before she admitted defeat and slipped off of him to wiggle out of her pants and strip him from his. She pulled his underwear down with his pants and whined low in her throat at the sight that greeted her, she’d felt his size in her small hand, but seeing it was different; hard and stood up against his stomach, flushed red, foreskin pulled back with arousal and tip beading with precome. 

She was paralysed looking at him as she fought the conflicting desires within her to fall to her knees and take him into her mouth, and the need to climb back into his lap and take him fully inside of her, feeling him press deep into her core. Hands on her hips brought her back to herself, Chakotay sliding her panties down her legs, letting them fall away and ducking forward to kiss at her hip. 

“Perfect,” he murmured into the skin there, making her gasp as one of his hands moved between her legs, stroking through the wetness there, holding onto his shoulder for support. Her knees threatened to buckle when he withdrew his fingers from her folds and licked her slick off of his fingers with a devilish look. 

She kept her balance against all odds and shoved him back on the couch, clambering back into his lap, both of them moaning together at the feel of so much skin against skin. She rolled her hips, dragging her wet pussy against his cock. Her eyes drifted shut as she created tantalising friction, not enough to come, not even close, but ratcheting up the volcanic desire bubbling between them. 

Her eyes drifted shut, small contented noises slipping from her lips as she rubbed herself against him. His hand found it’s way between them and she expected him to take hold of his cock and press it against her, and she cried out when instead his thumb found her clit and began rubbing in small circles. 

“Oh, oh fuck,” she keened, dropping her weight against his chest, her nails leaving red marks as she gripped at his shoulders, one hand dragging down his chest. He growled at her, nipping at her earlobe and rubbed at her clit harder, pulling the hood back and making her bury a shout in his skin at the direct contact.

“Kathryn,” he said, voice so low and rough it washed over her like a second touch.

“Wait, wait,” she gasped as she felt climax approaching, relieved when he steadied his assault on her clit, fingers gone slow. 

“Alright?” He said, a note of worry in his voice, despite the way she still clung to him. 

“Yes, just. Together,” she clarified, breathing heavily as he body protested, wanting to chase release. 

“I plan to make you come more than once, you know,” he said, cheeky smile pressed against her neck. 

“ _ Good _ ,” she said, making him laugh and nuzzle into her skin. “But for the first one.” 

“Such a romantic,” he teased; she was fairly sure a man like Chakotay could bring out the romantic in anyone. He held her hips as she shifted, lifting herself up a little, straddling his lap. 

“Like this?” She asked, hoving above him on her knees, the tip of his cock brushing through her folds, getting covered in her slick.

“You are the captain,” he grinned up at her, and her gentle laugh faded into a low, slow moan as she lowered herself down onto his cock. 

She was so wet but the thick girth of his cock still stretched her deliciously as she took him inside her, all doubt over the bruises she wanted on her hips leaving as he held her, his every muscle taught as he let her set the pace. She whimpered when she found herself seated fully, her hips coming to rest against his as his cock reached deep inside of her. She was shaking with the intensity of it and he held her, breathing heavily as he waited for her to take the lead. 

She tensed her inner muscles deliberately, wanting to feel every inch of him more clearly and he grunted, fingers flexing on her hips and shooting her a warning look that made her giggle. She ran her hands over his chest, coming to rest on his shoulders as she started to move, slowly at first, rolling her hips almost lazily, grinding down against him to get him as deep as he could go. It felt unbearably sappy even hidden in her own mind, but she could help but think he felt like he was made for her, two puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly. 

They were both wound up tight from their explorations of one another and she couldn’t keep the slow pace for long, desperation begging to overtake her as she started to ride him in earnest. Her knees were sinking into the soft cushions of the sofa, his hands were moving, one wrapping around her back and using what leverage he could get to speed her rhythm, the other cupping her breast and squeezing. 

He was thrusting his hips up against her and when he shifted the angle just so she cried out, dropping her forehead to his shoulder, breath hot against his neck as his cock hit her g-spot over and over again. 

“There it is,” he panted, voice satisfied even if his words were almost lost inside their combined gasps and moans. 

They were uncoordinated, desperate for each other and falling apart at the seams as their bodies worked together. She whimpered when his hand moved from her nipple back to her clit, toying with it in too-gentle strokes before beginning to rub more firmly. She bit his shoulder, scoring more red marks with her nails and feeling the way it quickened his pulse, how he fucked up into her a little harder at the sensation. 

She was growing more frantic, her lips somehow finding his in a kiss that was more of a shared breath for all they managed, another point of closeness as they moved too quickly, too feverish against each other. He was deep, so deep, her every nerve ending felt assaulted from his cock and hands and mouth. 

“Chakotay, I’m - ” she gasped as her climax rushed up to meet her, crying out his name and holding him tight as it crashed over her, trembling through every shock and shake, hips moving entirely out of her control, and a smaller, second orgasm shattering through her when she felt him groan and come deep inside her. 

He worked them through it, wringing every quake of pleasure out of them both as Kathryn went limp and useless above him, curled against his chest panting. She couldn’t remember any sex she’d ever had, but she didn’t need to to know that had been in a lague of it’s own, and it was forgivable than she needed a minute. 

When she was trembling from oversensitivity he finally stilled beneath her, breathing heavily, his chest gratifyingly sweaty beneath her head. His hands started tracing up and down her back in absent patterns as they basked in their shared afterglow. 

“That was…” he he trailed off, she could hear the vibrations of his voice, feel the elevated thud of his heart. 

“Yeah,” she agreed, amazed she could manage to speak at all, her mind moving like honey as she tried to gather some wits about her again. 

“I knew it was going to be amazing but that was…”

“Yet another thing there aren't the right words for,” she offered, voice slurred and sleepy and making him chuckle, which shifted his softening cock inside her and made them both gasp, somewhere between a wince and a new thrill of pleasure.

He cradled her to his chest as he gently removed his cock, leaving her feeling open, but not empty, never empty as he wrapped her back in his arms. They lay together for a little longer before he moved, she was reluctantly ready to stand when instead he scooped her up in his arms, like she weighed nothing at all. 

“A girl could get used to this,” Kathryn smiled as she was carried into the bedroom and laid down on the soft sheets, almost glad she couldn’t remember it happening before, for the sheer enjoyment of what felt like the first time being treated this way. 

“Good,” Chakotay grinned at her. “Do.”

It sounded like a perfectly good plan to her, especially when she was woken from her short, exhausted nap by his hands teasing her awake. 

\-------------

“What do you think is down here?” Kathryn asked, tugging Chakotay by the hand as they explored the corridors of Voyager. Everything felt familiar and everything was unrecognisable. 

“If we’d brought the schematic with us, we’d know,” 

“Aren’t you supposed to have a sense of exploration?” She asked, hands on her hips and giving him what she had decided was her ‘captain’s sartre’ - or a flirtatious version of it anyway. 

“Apparently I love it when you put your hands on your hips like that,” he said, beaming at her and she leaned into his chest, stealing a kiss before she continued down the corridor.

It turned out to be the way to astrometrics. Seven asked if there was anything they needed, watching them with a look Kathryn might accuse of being wary if it weren’t for the affection she couldn’t help feeling when she looked at her. 

“No no, we’re just exploring,” Chakotay replied, coming up behind Kathryn, a hand hovering at the small of her back as she peered at the console and the information it was throwing up, shocking herself with how much she understood. 

“There is something I believe you would enjoy seeing,” Seven announced, tapping away at the console with her trademark businesslike manner. But she couldn’t be accused of coldness, with what she pulled up on the viewscreen. 

“ _ Oh _ ,” Kathryn said, looking with wide eyes at the large image of the planet Seven had pulled up for them both. Chakotay’s hand was suddenly hanging on to the back of her jacket unconsciously, and she knew he was being assaulted with the same onslaught of mixed emotions that she was upon seeing the planet. 

Longing, sadness, hope, guilt and home all came to her in a confusing cocktail of emotion. 

“It is earth,” Seven said, needlessly. 

“Thank you, Seven. It was nice to see it,” Kathryn replied, she hadn’t forgotten what it looked like, she knew what and where Earth was, but seeing it had brought the emotions, and she turned to look at Chakotay with wide eyes. “We have to get them home,” she said, understanding something intrinsic about herself that had eluded her so far. 

“We will,” Chakotay promised. 

They continued wandering about the ship, the lightness coming back to them when the heaviness of Earth and all the emotions it represented started to settle. Chakotay made them easier to process, of course it did. 

“I wonder where we want to live,” he said. “I can’t remember if I’m a city or a country boy.”

“Oh you’re definitely a country boy,” she teased, dodging the swat he aimed at her with a laugh. 

“And you look like a city girl to me.”

“Sounds like something someone has written a song about.”

“Maybe it’s our song and we’ve just forgotten.”

“A mission for tomorrow,” she grinned, stopping their walk to inspect a hatch on the wall. “Jefferies tube?”

“I think that’s what they called them,” he agreed. “What are you doing?” He laughed as she pulled the hatch open.

“Exploring, come on.”

“Doesn’t look too comfortable,” he said, peering inside the tight crawl space.

“Where’s your sense of adventure?” She said, poking her head out and grinning, tugging at his sleeve. “Come on commander, don’t leave your captain alone in uncharted territory.”

He laughed and followed her in, shaking his head fondly as he did. 

B’Elanna paused as she rounded the corner, bemused expression on her face as she watched their amnesia riddled captain and commander crawling into a jefferies tube, giggling to each other about exploration. Obviously they needed to get them back to normal, but it was nice to see them, especially the captain, so free of all the weight on their shoulders.

She’d always thought Janeway was basically happy, at least, as happy as the rest of them. But the smile she’d caught on her face as she boldly went into a jefferies tube made her wonder if they’d been right about that after all, though she didn’t particularly like the thought. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ 
> 
> thank you for reading! i love you all! your comments make me smileee <3 next chapter by the end of the weekend!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thank you for the lovely comments <3

“I’ve been thinking,” Kathryn said, her feet in Chakotay’s lap.

“Oh?” He said, not pausing the glorious foot massage he was giving her as he looked up and raised his eyebrow. “I don’t remember if that was a good sign or a bad one,” he teased, she kicked him half-heartedly. 

“I’m the captain, it must be a good thing.”

“Yes ma’am, sorry ma’am,” he cheeked back with mock rigidity that had her rolling her eyes fondly. “What were you thinking about?”

“I feel like we should find a way to make ourselves useful. Obviously we can’t run the ship right now, but who knows how long we’ll be like this, we can’t just be passengers.”

“I know what you mean, but what would we do?” He asked as he worked his miraculous fingers into the balls of her feet and made her eyes briefly roll back. “I don’t remember anything about the ship, and only the most basic science, certainly not enough to be helpful on a starship.”

“You’re right. B’Elanna told me yesterday that she wished she could bounce solutions for a problem she’s having with the circuitry off of me, but I don’t really know what bioneural circuitry is right now, let alone enough to help. But I was thinking about the airponics bay, I seem to be able to remember how to garden well enough, and the thought of it relaxes me. I could tend to the plants a little.” 

“That sounds like a good idea,” Chakotay smiled at her, that warm smile that she was certain she was never going to get used to, a burst of happiness blossoming in her chest every time she saw it. 

It had been almost ten days, and she was becoming restless, they could both feel it. She could tell that she wasn’t used to sitting still, wasn’t used to not having a problem to sink her teeth into, or a task to complete - or a crew to command. She had tried a couple of days ago to shadow Tuvok as he completed his tasks as acting captain, but being unable to help ended up frustrating her, some guilty emotion swirling around her duty and responsibility leaving her more wound up than anything, and she knew she wasn’t being helpful, even if Tuvok didn’t say it. 

A part of her - and a part of Chakotay she knew as well - had been tempted to simply lock the door to his quarters and stay there for the foreseeable future - he certainly had enough ideas to keep them occupied, and she was anything but bored when they were together. But they were both people of action, and while Chakotay was undoubtedly easier going than she was, she knew he was also itching to feel useful. 

“Have you considered helping Neelix in the galley?” Kathryn asked, Chakotay had cooked for them, the couple of evenings they had stayed curled up together instead of being sociable in the mess hall, and both times it had been delicious, no recipe needed. 

“I think Neelix might be a little protective over his turf,” Chakotay smiled, but he liked cooking and she knew he did, and she waited for him to finish organising his thoughts. “But it would be nice, I could ask him. Make it clear I would be sous chef only, he’s the boss.”

“Technically, you’re the boss.”

“I think you’ll find actually it’s you that’s the boss,” he grinned at her, big hand wrapped around her ankle, brushing his fingers over the delicate bones there. “Which makes sense, you can be  _ very _ bossy,” he teased, thumb dipping under the cuff of her pants leg. 

“I am not bossy,” she protested, knowing full well it was a lie. She was bossy, but Chakotay seemed to love it, both on days when he was in the mood to be bossed around, or boss himself, pinning her deliciously to the nearest surface - or wall. 

“It’s alright, I love you bossy,” he assured her, leaning towards her and stealing a kiss, that went from sweet to something more needy in moments. 

\------------

Their requests to be allowed to do some work in airponics and the galley were approved, though they were both to be supervised - lest the crew go hungry or Kathryn grow something someone was allergic to without knowing. Neelix didn’t have a problem taking charge of Chakotay, but ensign Campbell, who oversaw the airponics bay had a little more trouble. 

Campbell was saved from the awkwardness that Kathryn couldn’t quite get her to shake when a young girl came into the converted cargo bay, stopping before Kathryn with her hands on her hips. It was a gesture that mirrored one Kathryn found herself unconsciously making frequently, and wondered if she was where the girl had learned it. 

“Hello Naomi, can we help you?” Campbell asked, inspecting a few leaves, checking that the plants were healthy. 

“I’m here to help the captain,” the girl - Naomi - announced. “I  _ am _ the captain’s assistant after all.”

“Are you really?” Kathryn asked as fondness built up inside of her. Naomi had - a little surprisingly - been included in Seven’s pad of useful information, but it was the first time Kathryn had seen her. “Well in that case it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Do you really not know me,” Naomi asked, eyes narrowing, as if she wasn’t quite sure if this was just a joke she and Chakotay were playing on everyone. Kathryn looked at her consideringly, folding one arm while with her other hand she tapped thoughtfully against her chin. 

“Well I definitely  _ know _ you, you just need to help me out with the details.”

“Hmm, okay,” Naomi said, before taking her hand and guiding her over to a box of plants that looked like they were growing tomato plants.

“If you don’t mind captain, I’ll leave you two to it, there are some things I need to check with Neelix,” Campbell said, and Kathryn smiled and waved her off, listening studiously to what Naomi was telling her about all of the plants. 

It seemed that Naomi spent a lot of time time in airponics, she knew was growing in every box and how to tend to it. 

“These grow viradoc spirals, it’s a little bit like honey when it’s ripe. Harry really likes it, says it’s his favourite Delta Quadrant food, and I keep trying to get Seven to try it but she still doesn’t seem to enjoy any food very much.”

“I think I like honey,” Kathryn said, musing on the faint emotion the word brought up. 

“Really? You don’t normally have any when Neelix serves it.”

“Don’t I?” Kathryn asked, curious, smelling the plant and becoming more convinced she liked it. 

“No. But there’s never very much of it, so maybe you just don’t think you should,” Naomi said, and Kathryn wondered just how intuitive this child was to pick up on something like that. From what she had picked up from everyone, it certainly sounded like something she would do. 

She stranded everyone in the Delta Quadrant, so not viradoc spirals for her. She couldn’t remember thinking it, but it felt more in character than she was entirely comfortable with. What else had she sacrificed through a misplaced sense of guilt? According to everyone, she had made the right choice after the Caretaker’s death, and no one seemed to resent her for it. Though even in her current state, Kathryn understood that it was easier to let someone else off the hook than yourself, and the person who had made that decision didn’t feel like herself right now. 

“Do you know what Chakotay’s favourite food is?” She asked, so far Naomi had proven to be a well of thoughtful information about everyone, little details that no one else thought important, but that gave Kathryn a better idea of who everyone was than a list of names and jobs ever could. 

“I think he likes mushrooms,” Naomi said thoughtfully, pulling Kathryn over to where they were growing some. “Why?”

“I was thinking of surprising him.”

“But captain, you can’t cook,” Naomi said with a big laugh, her eyes crinkling.

“And who has been spreading these terrible rumors about your captain?” Kathryn asked with exaggerated outrage that made Naomi laugh harder. 

“Chakotay!” Naomi said, giggling some more. “He told me you couldn’t cook once, you have dinner together sometimes and you always burn it, he said.”

“How rude of him.”

“It's okay, he was smiling when he said it,” Naomi reassured. “And he likes cooking for you. He told me that too.”

“Insubordination,” Kathryn tutted, shaking her head and making the girl laugh some more. 

“You’re nice like this,” Naomi grinned at her.

“Am I not always nice?” Kathryn asked, suddenly concerned. 

“You are!” Naomi scrambled, and it felt genuine. “You’re usually really busy so you don’t spend much time with me but you try and you’re nice to everyone, everyone loves you. I just meant, you’re being nice to yourself too now,” Naomi explained, far too insightful and far too articulate for a girl of her age. Kathryn was glad when the subject changed, not wanting to dwell on her words.

\------------

She left Naomi only when she was summoned to the bridge. By this point, Kathryn was vaguely familiar with the bridge of Voyager; she had instinctively known which chair was hers, although Tuvok was sitting in it at the moment. The viewscreen held up the image of an entaran, a bipedal species that looked similar to humans, but with particularly flat noses and exclusively grey hair. 

“I understand your concern Mr Tuvok,” the entaran said, voice nasally but not unfriendly. “I’m sorry about what befell your captain and commander, but we really have no idea. We honestly believed that the planet was safe, or we never would have suggested you went there.”

“Is there nothing you can tell us that might be of help?” Tuvok said, face and tone perfectly emotionless. Behind him, Seven was frowning openly. 

“Nothing I can think of.”

“Do you really expect us to believe you had no knowledge of this,” Seven cut in, a little rudely but Kathryn was somewhat touched by the fact it was at least partially on her behalf. 

“Seven of Nine,” Tuvok cautioned in a sharp voice. 

“We mean you no harm, honestly. I suppose...well. It seems like a silly thing to tell you, I don’t see how it could have any significant…” the entaran trailed off, his chin twitching in a way that Kathryn thought indicated thinking. Beside her, Chakotay was also watching the alien curiously.

“Any information you could give us would be appreciated. Even if it seems irrelevant,” Tuvok responded. 

“Of course of course. Well there is an old ghost story about the planet. It’s wild and sudden storms, people used to say that there were creatures that lived in the storms, made of rain and wind and lightning, that didn’t like trespassers on their planet. But it was nothing just a story to scare children, I’m sure you have similar things in your culture.”

“Many such stories have a surprising root in reality,” Tuvok commented. “If you could send us a full copy of this folk tale, I would appreciate it.”

“Certainly yes we can do that. And please let us know what you find, if we shouldn’t be touching down in that place I would like to know.”

The communication was ended shortly after, with the bridge officers all looking over to Kathryn and Chakotay, which felt more like something born out of habit rather than because they expected either of them to be able to shed any light. 

“Don’t look at us,” Chakotay said. “We don’t remember any storm creatures.” Kathryn shrugged also, and they all returned to their tasks. 

The full folk tale was received less than ten minutes later, or rather, approximately fifty different versions of story arrived, each with slight deviations from each other, as was the way with stories passed on by word of mouth for hundreds of years. 

Buried near the bottom of the pile was one that claimed the Stormgaard creatures had no way to communicate with normal lifeforms, and instead scraped out memories of trespassers. According to the tale, they used these memories learn about new places, and to decide whether their visitors were hostile. Those deemed peaceful were left without their memories but alive, the storm passing soon afterwards; those deemed dangerous fell prey to nature’s wrath. 

“Well,” Kathryn said, in the briefing room as Seven of Nine outlined this version of the story. “At least we’re peaceful.” Chakotay smiled at her, but the others looked troubled. She knew what they were thinking, you couldn’t communicate with a storm, and there was nothing to suggest how they could get their memories back. 

\--------------

“I found out you like mushrooms today,” Kathryn said.

“Really, that’s what you’re thinking about right now?” Chakotay chuckled, his mouth inches away from her bare inner thigh. “Clearly I’m not doing my job right.”

“You’re perfect.”

“Then why are you thinking about mushrooms?” He asked, eyes twinkling with amusement as he dragged his lips against her sensitive skin, inching ever-closer to her panties, and making her squirm.

“Honestly I have no idea,” Kathryn replied, trying to wiggle closer to his lips, only to have her hips held fast by his hands. 

“Thinking about dinner? Are you hungry?” 

“Not yet, are you?”

“Not for mushrooms,” he said, licking at the inside of her thigh, so close to her center his nose was almost brushing her underwear. 

“That was terrible,” she laughed, breath hitching as he kissed her again. 

“You love it,” he replied, kissing fractionally higher, frustratingly close to where she really wanted him. 

“Please,” she whimpered as his lips ghosted over her underwear, the touch so light it was barely there, but still enough to make her squirm, a pulse of heat passing through her and adding to the wetness between her legs. 

“Done thinking about mushrooms?” He teased, running a hand over one of her smooth legs before lifting it to rest on his shoulder. 

“I was thinking about  _ you _ , you -  _ oh,  _ oh,” she broke off, faltering in her words as Chakotay licked her through the thin fabric of her panties, her pussy throbbing at the muffled contact, desperate for something more solid. 

Chakotay kissed her through her underwear, open mouthed and humming, sending vibrations ripping through her, turning her both pliant and demanding under his ministrations. 

“I can taste you through your panties you’re so wet,” he teased, licking a wide stripe over her covered labia, his nose nudging tantalisingly against her clit. She whined in response, using the leg over his shoulder to try and drag him closer, to get more of him. 

He refused to be rushed, and he refused to let her remove her underwear, continuing to kiss and lick at her through the fabric, sucking at her clit and the slickness he found there. When she looked down, the sight of him between her legs made her whine, rocking down against him, and she could already see the minute, unconscious roll of his hips against the bedding. 

He worked her to her first orgasm painstakingly, a slow, inexorably build that it was impossible to deny, his lips and tongue torturing her through the fabric, sucking rhythmically at her clit as one of his hands moved up her body to cup and squeeze at her breast. She came with a gasp, gripping the short strands of his hair and ruining her underwear. Chakotay was unrelenting, working her through every tremor until she was oversensitive; but by now they both new that she liked that. 

The end of her orgasm blurred away directly into new arousal as Chakotay kept his mouth on her, and when he pushed her underwear aside and lapped up her come she cried out, nails digging into his back, the other braced behind her on the headboard, helping her futile attempts to get him to give her more. 

He peeled off her panties then, moving her climax-pliant legs with his soft hands, kissing them as he worked the ruined garment off. He kissed his way back up her legs, setting alight all that sensitive skin again before settling back between her legs. He licked up her release, lapping away her juices only for his attentions to make her moan and her pussy to get wet all over again. He was good at this, so good. Ten days of exploration, he knew exactly how to play her, as if he were a master musician and she his instrument of choice. He knew exactly where to touch her, how to touch her, where to be gentle when to be rough. 

He knew that if he pulled back the hood of her clit and licked her there she was whine uncontrollably, pussy leaking slick, body shuddering with too-much-not-enough, and he did that now. He guided her hands to her own breasts, encouraging her to touch herself there as his hands held down her hips to keep her writhing body still. She pinched at her nipples, tugging and squeezing and multiplying her sensations until his lips wrapped around her bare clit and she screamed, back arching, hips grinding down with such desperation that Chakotay’s hands couldn’t keep her completely still. 

Her second orgasm crashed over her in an explosion of sensation and he worked her through it again, until she was sweaty and panting, her body spasming with warring sensations. His lips moved from her clit only when she was whimpering with a kind of pleasurable discomfort that trod on a knife edge. He kissed her hips and thighs, nuzzled into the soft skin there as she caught her breath. 

“Hmm, can you give me another without a break?” He asked, his mouth was shiny with her slick, he was on all fours as he kissed at her stomach, she could see his cock hanging hard and angry between his legs as he neglected himself in favour of her, though she knew how much he enjoyed it. She nodded at him, tired but already feeling her arousal starting to bloom again. “So perfect,” he praised, his mouth moving back down between her legs. 

He was rougher this time, ignoring her clit at first in favour of licking between her folds. He spread her with his fingers and she could feel his eyes on her pussy, feel her body react, wondered if she was wet enough for him to watch her drip for him. He ducked back in to her, keeping her spread wide as he flattened his tongue against her pussy, giving her long, fat licks of his tongue before swirling it around her entrance . 

She was so ready for him, so open, body ready to take his cock and she knew she’d get it tonight, it was early in the evening, they would go again before they went to sleep, everything still felt so new again, but right now he had promised her his tongue, promised to take her apart with his mouth, and Chakotay was not a liar. 

She moaned as he pressed his tongue inside of her, her thighs squeezing around his head, her hands clinging to the sheets in a desperate grip. She was both worked up and exhausted, gasping as he fucked his tongue into her, shuddering when his thumb started rubbing at her pussy. The hand still on her hip encouraged her to grind down onto his face and she didn’t need to be told twice, riding his face as he worked her towards her third orgasm.

She lost all coherency, was fairly sure her nails managed to rip the sheet as she tangled it in her fingers, and Chakotay was relentless, fucking her on his tongue and rubbing her over-stimulated clit in tight circles. She shouted a garbled version of his name when she climaxed, covering his lips and chin in her slick, which he almost lazily lapped away as he worked her through it. 

She was oversensitive, almost in pain, it was almost too much, but he knew her every response by now, knew to gentle his touches, that she needed a little break now, before he drove her crazy again. He kissed other places, her hips, her thigh, the back of her knee, her stomach, until she had the coordination to tug him up towards her for a kiss. 

His breathing was ragged and he tasted like her, he was panting, she could hear and feel the way he was moving his hand, jerking himself off over her. She was searching for words, trying to gather enough of a voice to tell him she wanted to suck him off, to have him in her mouth, but he was already gasping, resting his forehead on her shoulder and coming in hot streaks across her stomach. 

They caught their breath together, Kathryn running her hand over Chakotay’s broad back, his weight a heavy weight a comfort, half on top of her. 

“I wanted to return the favour,” she pouted, when they had recovered a bit, when she worked out how to speak again. He knew by now that she liked pleasuring him with her mouth just as much as he enjoyed making her come with his. He pressed a kiss to her neck, panting heavily still. 

“Was too close,” he said, making her shiver to know how much he enjoyed her. “Later,” he promised, and she pulled his mouth to hers to exchange languid kisses. 

\----------------

“Ah, captain Janeway, what a pleasant surprise. Have you remembered something?” The Doctor asked, walking with purpose around his sick bay, though she lacked the knowledge to really know what he was doing. 

“No. More of an issue of something I can’t remember,” she said. 

“Oh? Something I can help you with?”

“Presumably,” she stopped awkwardly. It had become apparent since their incident, that the crew was not used to her being so relaxed, but only so much could be attributed to rigorous Starfleet training and captaincy guidelines, and she had discovered that even without any of that, she was a private person. “I’m assuming that doctor-patient confidentiality applies.”

“Of course, my lips are sealed,” The Doctor promised, coming to a halt near her, his interest clearly peaked. Kathryn distracted herself by fiddling with the tray of - hopefully unimportant - medical supplies. 

“I was wondering if I’m on any birth control,” she said, feeling her cheeks flush. 

Chakotay had taken her apart over and over again the night before, with his hands, his tongue and his cock, and that morning, still feeling the mess between her legs, a sudden question had started worrying at her. She had no idea what method her and Chakotay usually used, it hadn’t occurred to her to think about it, with any luck - or any sense - she was on some kind of annual hypospray, but she didn’t  _ know _ , and if they were using any other type of protection - single use options were plentiful, after all, then well. They certainly  _ hadn’t _ been using any over the last eleven days.

The Doctor looked surprised, more so than she had anticipated, and seemed lost for words for a moment, his mouth hanging open in a way that made Kathryn more embarrassed than she already was. Maybe she used to replicate something and keep it to herself, and The Doctor was surprised to hear her talking about it so openly; no one wanted to know about their commanding officers’ sex life. But she needed to know. 

“Um,” The Doctor said, uncharacteristically, before pulling himself together. “I have never prescribed you anything. Replicators won’t allow you anything inject or ingestible without a medical officer signing off on it, which I haven’t done either.” Kathryn frowned at his answer, she had expected to be told she was on something long lasting - or hoped at least. 

“Ah. Well, then I will admit Chakotay and I have been a little reckless lately. Could you give me something now? Preferably something a little retroactive, just in case,” She asked, and for a moment, she worried The Doctor’s programme had malfunctioned, he was standing so very still, but then he blinked rapidly in quick succession. He looked alarmed but she didn’t blame him, Voyager’s scenario didn’t seem like the best place for a captain in need of maternity leave.

“You and the commander have been engaging in sexual activity,” he said, somewhere between a statement and a question. She frowned at him, wondering again if there was some problem with his matrix. 

“Well, yes. I know we should have been more careful, but given everything between us I suppose we assumed that we would be using something more long term, like most couples. But it occurred to me this morning that I should probably check,” she clarified, not really wanting to receive any judgement off of The Doctor, and feeling a little bit like a teenager for having to justify herself like that; but she had amnesia, she couldn’t be blamed. “Doctor? The contraceptives?” She prompted, when he stood there very still again. “Do you need someone to look at your matrix? I think you might be having some issues.”

“Ah yes. Nothing to worry about, due for my routine maintenance,” he said quickly, before rummaging around in one of the drawers. “A hypospray?”

“Sounds grand,” she replied. He took her blood pressure and with a quick hypospray to the neck and a note that it would need to be topped up in a month, it was done, and she continued on her journey down to the airponics bay for a day with Naomi. 

In sickbay, as soon as the captain had left, The Doctor nearly fell into his chair. This was bad. This was very very bad. Doctor patient confidentiality. He couldn’t  _ tell _ anyone. He looked at his research, halfway to a solution. 

This was going to hurt. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Next chapter should park itself either Sunday or Monday and will bounce around some different povs (✿◠‿◠)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little different to the other chapters, this one bounces around povs like an out of control bouncy ball - you know, the ones you used to get in those 20p turn-y machine things - hopefully you guys don't mind that, next chapter will be back to Kathryn <3
> 
> Thank you again for the lovely comments <3

“Why are you looking at me like that?” B’Elanna asked The Doctor, frowning at him. She’d come into sickbay to do some maintenance on a plasma conduit and he had hardly stopped staring at her since. 

“Like what?”

“Like you’re having a disagreement with your programming,” she clarified. The Doctor looked offended and strode over to her. 

“I am not.”

“Then what’s up?” 

“I’m having a...moral dilemma.”

“A moral dilemma?” B’Elanna repeated, putting down her equipment and folding her arms, ready to offer The Doctor two minutes of her time. 

“Yes.”

“Well don’t make me pry it out of you, you clearly want to talk about it.”

“But that’s just it. I don’t know if I can say. A patient has said something to me and I feel the need to...pass it along,” he explained. 

“But you can’t because of doctor-patient confidentiality,” she guessed, resting her hip against the console next to her. 

“Precisely. Except, the part that I would like to pass on isn’t  _ strictly speaking _ the element that was medical, or the part the patient was concerned about keeping between us,” The Doctor continued, he was pacing around now, if he had hair B’Elanna imagined he would be pulling at it. 

“Sounds like semantics to me, if you’re having this dilemma about it then you know you shouldn’t.”

“I’m having this dilemma because I’m not sure it’s any of my business at all, let alone anyone else's. And yet…” he sighed, trailing off. B’Elanna would admit that her interest was piqued and curiosity was nagging at her - a nosiness everyone except Vulcan’s couldn’t help but have, especially on a ship this size. 

“Look doc, is the ship in danger? Or any of the crew?”

“What? No, of course not,” The Doctor replied, waving her off and returning to his thoughtful pose. 

“Well then I’d say you’re better off keeping it to yourself.”

“What if people are going to get hurt, just not physically?” The Doctor pushed, he was looking for her to give him permission, but she wasn’t sure she could.

“Then I’d say that’s a part of life,” she said. “However much that might suck.”

“Or it’s a part of amnesia,” he muttered under his breath, though B’Elanna didn’t catch it. 

“What was that?”

“Nevermind.”

“Maybe someone else will find out on their own and you can commiserate together without breaking any physician’s rules,” B’Elanna shrugged, just as she was commed by engineering, asking for assistance. 

At her last suggestion, an idea began to form in The Doctor’s head. It was a little underhand, but if he could create a situation where someone else was made aware of the change in relationship between the captain and commander, then it would be their problem instead.

The captain seemed to have assumed both that she and the commander were in a relationship, and that he knew about it - two assumptions he would rather not dwell on the implications of - if she weren’t such a naturally private person, he imagined everyone would have seen it by now. 

His conscience was relatively clear as he began to make some plans. 

\------------

“What is it doc?” Harry asked, entering sickbay as summoned. It was late in the day, after dinner with everyone beginning to retire to their own quarters, hopefully the pieces of his plan would all be in the right places - or rather, the wrong places. 

“Ah Mr Kim, excellent. I need you to take these to the captain,” The Doctor said, casually as he could, handing over a few datdpads filled with information on amnesia that wasn’t very helpful and the captain didn’t need, but he hoped was just about plausible to look like something that needed to be delivered. 

“And you can’t do this yourself because…?” Harry asked. He’d taken the datapads without thinking, so used to agreeing to things easily. The Doctor put on his best superior scowl. 

“Because I am the only medical officer aboard this ship and therefore find myself a bit busy to be running  _ errands _ . I checked the duty roster and saw that you were nearby and not busy.”

“Alright, alright. Fine, I’ll take them,” Harry sighed. “Do you know where she is?” 

“No,” The Doctor replied, a small lie, he had a fairly good idea of where she would be, but he didn’t  _ know _ . “She doesn’t appear to be wearing her combadge right now. But it’s getting late, I imagine she is in her quarters.”

“Right. Anything else?” Harry asked, The Doctor had definitely picked the right crewman for the job, he could only imagined Mr Paris’ whining if he had been asked, and the other senior officers would have asked more questions.

“No, that will be all. Thank you Mr Kim,” The Doctor said, dismissing Harry. 

He wasn’t that annoyed at the task he had been given, he was headed to his own quarters anyway, and while they weren’t close to the captain’s, it was the same general direction, and he knew The Doctor was working hard on finding a way to get the captain and commander back to normal again. No matter how cheery the two amnesiacs seemed with all that responsibility and training stripped away, the rest of them were feeling the absence of their steady guidance keenly. 

Tuvok was not the easiest acting captain to serve under, and they were all ready to have Janeway back. Even Tuvok. 

He knocked on the captain’s door and there were no response. He frowned, wondering where she would be, but the doc had said she wasn’t wearing her combadge, so there probably wasn’t much point in asking the computer. Someone should talk to her about keeping it nearby, but giving the captain orders wasn’t something he was about to do, amnesia or not.

He walked a short distance down the corridor to the commander’s quarters and knocked there instead, figuring if anyone would know where she was, it would be him. Even before the amnesia that would probably have been the case, but since then they had been practically joined at the hip. Harry supposed he would probably want to stick to the person in the same predicament as him in that situation as well. 

The door slid open and Chakotay smiled at him. 

“Harry, what can do I for you?” He asked. 

“I was hoping you might know where the captain is, I’ve got some things for her.”

“Oh, she’s just in the shower, want me to take them? I can give them to her when she gets out,” he offered, and Harry handed over the datapads, glad to have the chore taken off of him. 

Then what the commander had said started to sink in. As did what Harry could see behind him. 

A jacket strewn over the back of Chakotay’s couch that was far too small for him, an extra set of boots at the door, two glasses of wine. The sound of the shower running in the ‘fresher.

“Harry?” Chakotay prompted when Harry just stared, probably with a gormless expression his mother would have told him off for. He shook himself out of it. 

“Sorry. Long day, is all,” Harry stammered. Chakotay gave him a look like he was well aware it hadn’t been a ‘long day’; the captain and commander’s predicament aside, nothing much was really happening. They hadn’t been on red alert for weeks. 

“Get some rest Harry,” Chakotay said with a smile before walking away from his door. 

Any lingering doubt that had been in Harry’s mind was prompt wiped away when before his front doors closed, slow because of Harry’s proximity, he heard Chakotay calling out to the captain and going into the bathroom. 

\--------------

“Are you sure?” Tom said, folding her arms together on the mess hall table. 

“ _ Yes _ .”

“I just mean, they’ve always been close, you know. Maybe you weren’t seeing what you thought you were seeing,” Tom hedged, taking a forkful of his breakfast and munching thoughtfully. 

“Tom, there were two wine glasses on the table.”

“They have dinner together a lot.”

“Her jacket was over the back of his couch.”

“Maybe it was hot?” He suggested, Harry made an impatient noise. 

“She was in his shower.”

“Maybe she spilled something? I don’t know Harry.”

“Tom he went into the ‘fresher with her, when she was  _ in the shower _ .”

“Okay. That is odd. I’ve never had a friend that close.”

“So you admit something is going on that wasn’t before,” Harry pushed, he liked airing his thoughts out to Tom before the other senior officers, but his friend was being sticky and he didn’t know why. 

“I don’t know. It’s all a bit circumstantial. Maybe she was out the shower,” Tom suggested hesitantly, Harry gave him a look. “Okay that was weak I admit.”

“Why are you denying this?” Harry asked, frustrated. “We need to do something about it.”

“ _ That’s _ why,” Tom replied at a whisper. “And can you keep your voice down, some of the junior officers are looking. You might be right, hell Harry you’re probably right, but if you are then well, that’s a mess isn’t it.”

“It’s not that bad,” Harry argued, albeit more quietly than before. Tom pulled an expression and Harry deflated a bit, in truth, he hadn’t thought this all the way through. “Alright, it’s not exactly good. But we should tell the others. Tuvok will know what to do.”

“Harry these are two people who have been left with nothing  _ but _ their emotions, and you think Tuvok is the one that’s going to know what to do?” Tom said incredulously, Harry had to admit that he had a point. But he was out of his depth here, there hadn’t exactly been a course on what to do in this situation at the academy. 

“We should still tell the others.”

“You don’t exactly have any concrete evidence. Let’s wait.”

“Tom,” Harry said, increasingly frustrated.

“Alright, fine, fine. We’ll talk to Tuvok,” Tom relented. “Though you don’t really need me to do that, you’re the one that has something to tell him. But you know me, always good for back up.”

On the bridge, Tuvok wasn’t particularly receptive to what they had to say. Apparently humans were known for seeing more than was there. But he frowned, or rather, got that tightness around the eyes that suggested a non-vulcan would be frowning, and said they would discuss it further later. 

The captain and commander came up to the bridge a couple of hours into the day, and Harry was sure Tuvoks was watching the more closely than usual, although to be fair, he might just be proving the vulcan’s point about reading into things that weren’t there. They were talking to a trader that had been to the planet and experienced the storm, but he had nothing but more ghost stories to share with them, nothing useful, and none of his crew had befallen the storm. 

When lunchtime loomed, Neelix commed Chakotay, calling him down to the galley with the impatience of someone who had grown quickly used to the help of a sous chef. 

“On the double,” Chakotay replied jovially with a tap to his combadge. “I’ll see you later,” he said to Kathryn, squeezed her shoulder and kissed her cheek, nonchalant as you like, and headed for the turbo lift. 

Tuvok’s eyes got tighter and the eyes bugged out of most of the bridge crew, the captain didn’t notice and continued the conversation about what the trader had told them. Tuvok scheduled a meeting between the senior officers - captain and commander not included - for the end of that shift. 

\--------------

“An unforeseen problem has arisen,” Tuvok started when Neelix made it to his seat, the last to arrive. “It would seem that the captain and commander, in their current state, have engaged in a romantic relationship.”

“Oh thank goodness,” The Doctor said, drawing confused looks from his colleagues. “What, I’m just glad you know.”

“This is what you couldn’t tell me yesterday?” B’Elanna said.

“The very same.”

“Wait, is that why you made me give those datapads to the captain.”

“I might have hoped it would lead to a revelation not subjected to the constraints of doctor-patient confidentiality, yes.”

“Devious doc,” Tom said, sounding mildly impressed. 

“This is not productive,” Tuvok said from the chair the captain should have been in. “But I will admit, I am not sure how to proceed.”

“ I don’t see why we need to do anything, I didn’t realise there was a problem,” Neelix said. 

“You knew?” 

“Well yes. Chakotay has been with me in the galley, there’s nothing he likes talking about more than captain Janeway, what foods she likes, how she likes her coffee, ideas for breakfast in bed. It was all very romantic.”

“And you didn’t think to  _ tell _ anyone,” B’Elanna said, voice taking on that frustrated edge of hers. Tom knocked her foot with his under the table and she breathed out slowly. 

“They’re both happy, I’m not really sure what the issue is,” Neelix replied.

“The  _ issue _ , is that they weren’t together, before.”

“Are we absolutely sure about that? I mean, there used to be a lot of rumours a few years ago, especially after New Earth,” Harry said, thinking back on all the betting pools there were about their relationship status; were they together, when would they get together, how long had they been together, were they secretly married. But it had been a long time, and everyone had generally given them up - the captain was a private person, but there was only so much privacy you could get on a starship this size. 

“Come on Harry,” Tom said, we’d know by now. 

“Still, could be. Maybe they don’t want us to know.”

“No,” B’Elanna shook her head. “Chakotay would have told me. I might not be the captain, but he still tells me the things that are important to him.”

“I also believe that the captain would have made me aware, if a relationship had developed between the two of them. She would worry about her objectivity,” Tuvok said.

“I would like to be the third voice on that matter. Considering what I was asked yesterday, I believe I would know, and I do not,” The Doctor said. “From our conversation, they have both made an assumption that they are together and have been together for a very long time. Suffice to say, they’re in love.”

“Well. This is horrible,” B’Elanna said, staring at a spot on the table. 

“Explain?” Seven asked, back as straight as ever, she had listened to the conversation with a crease between her eyes. “I was under the impression human’s viewed love as a generally positive emotion.”

“Think about it. The accident - incident, whatever it was - didn’t invent new emotions for them,” B’Elanna said, thinking about how much  _ happier _ Janeway and Chakotay had been since it happened. 

“And...?” Neelix asked, still not getting it. B’Elanna kept a lid on her frustration.

“It means they’re in love, have been for a while, and not together, for some reason or another. It means when the doc puts their brains back together they’re going to have to deal with it,” Tom said. 

“It means,” B’Elanna added, putting more weight into the word. “That they’ve been sacrificing a hell of a lot more for the rest of us than we realised.”

“For us?” 

“Why else do you think they’d not be together?” 

“I don’t get it. I thought Starfleet didn’t regulate personal lives,” Neelix said, B’Elanna scowled more pointedly at him, but to her surprise Tuvok was the one that filled in the blanks. 

“There are a number of reasons why captain Janway would consider it inappropriate, in our unique predicament, to engage in a romantic relationship with her first officer. She would worry you would not feel like you could talk to the commander so easily, for one. It would break down some of the formal infrastructure of the ship, for another. And she would fear it would compromise her objectivity, which she knows is vital to getting this ship home,” Tuvok replied. B’Elanna had always known that they were friends, but because of all the...vulcan-ness, she had never really appreciated just how well Tuvok knew Janeway. 

“They’re not good reasons to not be with the person you love,” Neelix bristled. Tuvok raised a pointed, judgemental eyebrow at him. 

“The question is not whether you believe they are good reasons, but whether captain Janeway would.”

“She’d always blamed herself for us being out here. And if we’re being honest we all know she still does. She’d never do anything that would risk her ability to get us home, or that might make any of us feel uncomfortable.”

“So what, they’re just going to be lonely for seventy years?” Tom asked incredulously, but the words sat heavily in the room.

“We need to speak to them,” B’Elanna said, voice hard. 

“Why? Isn’t the damage done already, why can’t we just leave them be, what difference does it make now?” Harry asked, but he knew. They couldn’t let them carry on with half the facts, it wasn’t fair. 

“This isn’t going to be a fun conversation.”

\--------------

“I don’t know about you, but I have the strangest sensation of being called to the principle’s office,” Kathryn said, amused. They’d been called to the briefing room, where apparently there was something that required discussion.

“I know what you mean. But I don’t think we’ve been naughty,” Chakotay grinned, that familiar twinkle in his eye, she laughed and sunk into the feeling of his hand at the small of her back, guiding her forward. 

The doors opened as they approached, and they were met by seven serious faces. They faltered.

“Maybe we really have done something wrong,” Chakotay muttered, for her ears only. 

“Can our memories not be restored?” She asked, jumping to the most likely seeming conclusion for such a collection of solemn faces. 

“No, I am actually making excellent headway with that. I should have a treatment before the month is up, though I still can’t promise anything for sure,” The Doctor replied, adding to Kathryn’s confusion. 

“So why the long faces?” Chakotay asked, she was glad for the hand still at her back, and leaned unconsciously into his side. 

“It’s about you two. I’m not really sure how to say it,” Tom said, eyes flicking between the two of them. “But um, you’re not...together.”

Beside her Chakotay snorted out a laugh, Kathryn sent Tom a puzzled expression, not sure what he meant. 

“What do you mean?” She asked, Tom cringed and Tuvok took over.

“He means that prior to the loss of your conscious memories, you were not engaged in a romantic relationship with one another.”

“We...what?” Kathryn said, trying to work through what she was being told. It was hardly a complicated concept, and yet it made no sense. 

“We are, we must be,” Chakotay protested, the hand at the small of her back was now holding on to her jacket, and she was glad of the contact. “I love her, we love each other, intensely. I can’t even - it’s difficult to describe.”

“No one is denying the feelings you carry for one another,” Tuvok said, with surprising gentleness. “But we decided that it was unethical to let you proceed without the full picture. When your memories are returned, it might be difficult.”

“Difficult,” Kathryn murmured. She thought of what Naomi said to her, that she was nicer to herself like this. She wondered why they weren’t together, what possible reason there could be that was good enough. “Why aren’t we together?” She asked, though she feared the answer. 

“You have not confided that information in any of us,” Tuvok said, causing a knot of anxiety to curl in her stomach. 

“Are you going to stop us being together?” She asked, words thick in her throat, threatening to lodge themselves there. 

“No,” Tom said quickly, before anyone else could speak. She got the impression they hadn’t discussed it. “That isn’t our place.”

“We just...thought you should know,” The Doctor said. He looked guilty, she wasn’t sure why, they were only being honest with them. She swallowed heavily, gathered herself in a way that made her feel more like a captain than she she could remember feeling. 

“Thank you for informing us. I think Chakotay and I need to discuss this in private,” she said, her eyes felt tight and she refused to give into the desire to look at the floor, she could feel the way her mouth was set in a tight line. There was nothing she wanted to do less than discuss it, all she wanted was to leave this room and Chakotay to hold her, and tell her it wasn’t true. 

“Of course,” Harry said, they all looked awkward. 

“We’ll see you tomorrow,” Chakotay said, she was relieved when he took her hand as they left. 

The senior officers sat there, not speaking, for a while before they left. B’Elanna was fairly sure they were all thinking the same thing.

\--------------

They didn’t speak on their way back to Chakotay’s quarters, and Kathryn’s knees could have buckled with relief when Chakotay pulled her in with him, having feared he would suggest she go to her own room tonight. When the door was closed, she was enveloped in his arms. 

They didn’t speak. Her thoughts were swirling and she knew his would be doing the same. He stroked a hand through her hair, gently releasing her after long minutes of comfort had passed, and going to his dresser.

“We’ll talk in the morning,” Chakotay soothed, kissing her forehead and pressing her pyjamas into his hand. At least she now knew why her things hadn’t already been in his room. “I think we both need a bit of time to digest.” He said, she was relieved beyond measure, that there will still not question over where she would be sleeping, as she slipped back into his bed. 

She got changed mechanically, they brushed their teeth side by side, it felt like they had been doing it forever, would do it forever. She felt hardly in her own body as she climbed into bed. 

As she lay there, a thought began to sink in under Kathryn’s skin; did she want to remember?

Chakotay’s arms reached out and pulled her close. He gripped her a little more tightly than usual. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ I hope you are still enjoying, next chapter monday or tuesday!


	6. Chapter 6

Waking up, Kathryn wished they weren’t on a starship, for the simple pleasure of being able to see Chakotay, asleep and bathed in the warm morning sun, instead of the slowly lifting artificial light. 

He was lying across from her, they had shifted at some point in the night, and instead of spooning her, they were teaching each other now. With so little space between them, she could feel his every exhale against her, caressing her skin. His face was relaxed, his hair squashed and sticking up and random intervals. His hand was steady on her waist, and she was glad for the surviving point of contact. 

She looked at him, peacefully asleep, and trying to corner and dissect every feeling she had, looking for one, any one, that could make what the crew had said yesterday make any kind of sense. Some kind of negative emotion tangled among all of the good She looked at him and her heart thudded with love, her pulse quickened with longing, her soul settled with the simple feeling of  _ home _ . 

And there, curled among it all, tucked in the shadows; regret. She barely felt it now, it faded into the background more with every day that passed, but it still lingered if she looked for it, and she remembered feeling it burst beside the love when she had woken up and seen him for the first time. 

She had thought, the only time she had given it any thought, that perhaps they had argued, said things in the heat of the moment that neither of them really meant. But looking at him now, searching that emotion now, she knew that wasn’t it. She had felt regret when she looked at Chakotay, alongside the almost painful feeling of love, because they weren’t together. 

It had all felt so new between them; it had been new. 

It scared her to realise, to know it was true. That in their real lives, there was some reason they weren’t together. She couldn’t fathom what could be worth that kind of sacrifice, but she was terrified that when they remembered it, he would slip through her fingers.

“I can hear you thinking,” Chakotay murmured, a few moments before opening his eyes. He smiled at her, the hand on her waist dipping below her pyjamas and rubbing soothing circles on her skin. 

“Sorry,” she felt compelled to say.

“Don’t be,” he said, moving closer and pulling her coaxingly into a slow kiss. He was giving her time to pull away, she realised, in case something had changed for her; she kissed him back more fully, shuffling into his space, her hands resting on his broad chest. “You’re beautiful when you think, but I’d give anything to take this away,” he said, pulling back from the kiss and placing the pad of his forefinger against the tense line between her eyes. 

“We can’t pretend yesterday didn’t happen,” she said, though it sounded unconvincing even to her own ears; there was nothing she would rather do. 

“I know,” he said, fingers carding through her hair, easing out the tangles. “But it doesn’t have to change anything either.”

“Doesn’t it?”

“I don’t think so,” he said thoughtfully. “We might never be those people again, their reasons could be terrible. You feel like the other half of my soul, Kathryn, I can’t think of a reason we should be apart.”

“And what if we do become those people again?” She asked. “What if there  _ is _ a good reason, and we’re making it impossible for us to work together when we remember.”

“Well then, I’d say the damage is already done, and it makes no sense to worry any more about it,” he reasoned, cupping her cheek when she continued to fret. “All we have is the present, and right now all I know is how much I want you, here in my arms, in my bed, in my heart.” He breathed the words, pressing a kiss to the frown between Kathryn’s eyes and easing it away. Kathryn felt her lower lip tremble but kept her emotional tears at mostly bay, and smiled at him shakily. 

“I never really stood a chance, did I?” She said, and he wiped away slight wetness around her eyes, smiling at her, bright and unworried. He had more faith in her than she did. 

“Neither did I,” he said, drawing her into more long, slow kisses that she melted easily into. 

“I felt regret, when I first saw you,” Kathryn admitted, when Chakotay moved his mouth to her jaw, neck and clavicle. Distracting her from her worries, but not taking them away. He would never try to take away something that she needed to think about, even if he wanted to. “I know we only ever talked about the love, and that is still brighter than anything else I feel. But, yes...I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”

“It wasn’t just love for me either,” Chakotay said, stretching out beside her, his head propped up on one hand, the other resting on her stomach, the silky material of her pyjamas. She listened quietly. “Or it was, but something about that love was sharp. Something about it hurt. I thought it was just the intensity, but now I understand why it hurt.”

She felt tears trying to come again as she put the pieces together in her mind, and this time she wasn’t as successful at holding them back. Chakotay hushed her, soothed her, and kissed them away. 

“Shh Kathryn, what is it?”

“It’s  _ me _ . It’s my fault.”

“What do you mean?”

“I felt regret and you felt hurt. It’s my choice, isn’t it? It’s some choice I made that keeps us apart. It’s my fault.” She shook her head but let herself be drawn into another comforting kiss. His lips were soft, gentle and undemanding, only taking what she was willing to give. It was her choice, the evidence was everywhere, if she looked closely enough. 

“We don’t know that for sure, and we don’t know why. Don’t blame yourself, Kathryn, before there is anything to blame. And in all of the emotions I felt at the sight of you, there was no resentment, no blame, just love in its many shades,” he reassured her, comforting as he cradled her, nudging her nose with his own until she accepted more of his kisses.

“I want you to remember something for me, Chakotay, will you promise?” she asked when they next parted, her hand on his chest, his inching up the hem of her pyjamas, both needy for each other’s touch, as if a clock were suddenly hanging over them, but he nodded at her, gave her his full attention. “If we do go back, please remember that whatever reason it is we aren’t together, I regret it. I regret it so much it could suffocate me.”

“I’ll remember,” he promised, tucking Kathryn’s hair behind her ear and placing a kiss over her heart. 

\--------------

As The Doctor got closer to a solution, the crew saw less and less of the captain and commander, and it wasn’t difficult to guess why. 

“We should never have told them,” Harry said, pacing around sickbay. “This is all my fault.”

“It would have come out when it did anyway Harry, regardless of what you or The Doctor saw,” B’Elanna reasoned, they were all feeling low, what had happened was weighing on them all, walking around as if the gravity on the ship had increased. 

“It wouldn’t have been fair to not tell them,” Tom said, rubbing a hand over his eyes. The Doctor had called them all down to sickbay for an update, he was running his final tests and was becoming more sure he had a risk-free treatment. It had led to a loaded silence. 

“It is not productive to dwell on this any further,” Tuvok said, the only one present not exhibiting some restless tick, even Seven kept absently touching one of her remaining implants. 

“What if…” Harry trailed off, not liking the thought, even though he knew he wasn’t the only one having it, he could see it reflected in Tom, B’Elanna and Neelix. 

“What if?” The Doctor asked when Tuvok didn’t. 

“What if they don’t want the treatment,” B’Elanna sighed, The Doctor looked taken aback, Seven thoughtful, Tuvok looked like Tuvok. Janeway was the only one who knew him well enough to read his microexpressions. 

“I cannot imagine that will come to pass. Even without their memories, they are fundamentally the same people they have always been, and refusing treatment would be out of character for the both of them, especially when they know that we need them,” Tuvok replied, B’Elanna had no idea if he was covering up concern or not.

“Come on Tuvok, you’ve seen how much happier they are right now,” Tom said. The day before there had been a party in the mess hall for Harris’ birthday, and they had all seen them dancing together, an easy intimacy that should have spoken of years together. Chakotay had spun her around when the music was upbeat, pulled her close when it slowed. Tom hoped he and B’Elanna reached that point one day, and it had made him sad to know it was going to be snatched away.

“What I have seen, is two people who no longer feel the need to restrain themselves because of their station. We have no evidence that they are not happy as they normally are, and are simply less performative about it,” Tuvok said, but it didn’t sound like he was entirely convinced by it himself. 

“For what it’s worth I don’t think they’ll refuse the treatment, but that’s a world away from wanting it,” B’Elanna said, knocking her knuckles against the sickbay console.

“Well, that’s an uncomfortable thought,” The Doctor said, looking at his treatment more critically. Perhaps he should do a few more days of testing, just to be sure. He wasn’t sure if dragging this out was cruel or kind, none of them did.

“There is nothing we can do, the situation must be allowed to unfold on its own. Speculating is pointless,” Tuvok said, but he at least sounded slightly uneasy, or B‘Elanna thought he did anyway. 

  
  


\--------------

“Alright Doctor,” Chakotay said, answering the comm when Kathryn couldn’t, her heart plummeting with every word The Doctor said. “Can you, can you give us today?” Chakotay asked, his voice catching just slightly. 

“Of course. Whenever you are ready,” The Doctor said, with more gentleness than Kathryn had come to expect, even from the new memories she had made. Chakotay returned the combadge - her combadge - to his bedside table. 

“I don’t want to,” she said, when the communicator was safely off, and no one would hear but Chakotay. The silence in his quarters felt heavy suddenly, where before it had been peaceful, a haven.

“I know,” he said, drawing her close. They hadn’t even made it out of bed, they were laughing just minutes ago, play-fighting in the bed as he tickled her, nothing to worry about, nothing in the universe but them. “I don’t want to either.”

“What if we didn’t,” she whispered, even though she knew it was impossible, that it would never be like that. That even stripped of her memory, the way she felt about her crew precluded her ability to let them down. If they refused the treatment and stayed like this, it would slowly encroach on their happiness, like poison in a wound that would fester and spread with every hardship the crew faced that someone else had to steer them through. 

She knew this, and Chakotay knew this, and he smiled at her sadly. 

“You are too unselfish a person to make that choice. I see the way you look at each and every one of them. Like you’d sacrifice a limb,” he said, he was right of course, she was fierce over them, she could feel it.

“I would sacrifice more for you,” she said, words more desperate than she had intended them, his hands were gentle on her skin, she wanted him to grip her tighter, leave her with something real.

“I know,” Chakotay said, unspoken words lingering between them, that maybe  _ that _ was precisely the problem, she was the captain after all. He read her like an open book, looking down at her with impossibly gentle brown eyes. “But you’d never sacrifice them. Not even for me.”

She whimpered, hurt by the truth of the statement, wiping furiously at her own eyes until he caught her wrist and stilled her, wiping away her tears with a gentler hand. 

“I’m sorry,” she said, not even sure what part she was talking about. 

“If there is anything that I am sure about, it is that I love you exactly the way you are, Kathryn Janeway, and you don’t have to apologise for any of it. Not now, and not later,” he said, and she found it impossible not to smile at a declaration like that, warmth spreading through her. 

“I’m not going to leave you,” she said, and he smiled at her, always so generous with his smiles. He kissed her bare shoulder, slipping the strap of her pyjama top down. 

“Whatever happens, I love you,” he promised her, his words like a fist clenching around her heart, how careful he was not to add to her burden, to try and assure her that no matter what, she had him. 

“I want to feel you,” she said, desperation growing with the news, with the way Chakotay’s lips were dragging against her skin. “Please Chakotay, I want to feel you on my skin for days.” She gasped as he bit lightly at her shoulder, not enough, but he always teased her first, always gave her exactly what she wanted; needed. 

“I want to feel your nails scratching down my back until my shirts are uncomfortable to wear. I want to commit your every curve and dip to memory, your every sweet spot. I want to ruin you for everyone else,” he said, a rare note of possessiveness turning his voice into a low growl.

“You already have,” she said, sincere and desperate as she made room for him between her legs, feeling him settle there as if the cradle of her hips was made for him, resolving never to lose this, no matter what. 

“Then I’m going to do it all over again,” he murmured, voice a low rumble as he nipped at her lower lip and stripped off their pyjamas fast enough that she heard seams tearing, the sound sending a wave of want through her.

Until now their sex had been many things, playful, decadent, lazy and loving. This was something different, this was primal and needy. She wanted his mark on her and he clearly wanted to leave it and wanted hers on him in equal measure. His hands were harsh on her hips as he held her down and mouthed at her pussy, licking and sucking until his lips and when were wet with her slick and she was writhing in his hold. She would have bruises on her hips from how hard he held her and she bucked her hips to make him hold her tighter still. 

Her nails were digging into his shoulders, almost cutting into his skin as he worked her through her first orgasm, giving her no time to rest as he moved up her body, his fingers replacing his mouth and rubbing at her clit as he nipped at the soft skin of her breast, teeth teasing at her nipple. 

“Please,” she panted, relieved when he looked at her, eyes dark with want. “Kiss me,” she pleaded, she never wanted him to stop, and it seemed he couldn’t deny her as in the next moment her arms were being pinned either side of her head by strong hands and her mouth claimed in hungry kisses. 

She pushed back against him, keen to feel how firmly he held her down, he surged when she pushed against him, moving his kisses to her jaw and then down her throat, sucking marks into her neck, just under where her clothes would hide. But he would know they were there, and so would she. 

He groaned when he entered her, breath hot against her neck as he back arched and she moaned, feeling him fill her, the rough stretch that boarded on too much perfectly. When he started to fuck her, hard and deep enough to rattle even a starfleet issue bed, she had no control over the way she raked her nails down his back, feeling his answering growl, the increased force of his thrusts, the nip of his teeth. 

The room filled with the obscene sounds of skin on skin and heavy panting as they drove themselves desperately to an urgent, messy release. Scratches and teeth and finger shaped bruises, hickies as if they were teenagers, and a derlicious, persistent tug in her hair until they came together. 

They were gentle again, after that, a day when neither of them even spoke about leaving the safety of his bed. He traced every mark he had made, kissed them into her skin as if in confirmation, and she tried not to think about coaxing him to sleep so that they could dream away their obligations. 

Eventually, they had to get dressed, made difficult by their reluctance to part. 

\--------------

They walked slowly to sickbay, they were dawdling and not talking about it, dragging their feet with their fingers tangled together, but the ship wasn’t so big, and they got there too fast.

“Ready?” Chakotay asked, with a downturned smile that told her he knew the answer already. 

“No,” she replied. He left a lingering kiss on her cheek and she took a deep breath and led the way inside. 

He was going to give them both a sedative before administering the treatment, surmising that the experience would be easier physically and emotionally if they were asleep for it, all totaled, he thought it would take about eighteen hours. She wished that the biobeds were closer together, so that she would be able to hold Chakotay’s hand, borrow some of his strength. 

The Doctor gave them a moment of privacy, and Chakotay placed a kiss on her forehead before she tugged him insistently down to her lips and drew him easily into a possessive, consuming kiss. She couldn’t believe it would be their last, but as he cradled her face in his big hands and debauched her, the kiss only barely decent for public, she knew he was making sure it was worthy of a last kiss. It panicked something inside her, and she clung to his jacket as the kiss ended, resting their foreheads together.

“I won’t pull away from you. I promise, no matter what I remember,” she said, gripping his hand too tightly, he stroked soothing over her hand with his thumb. The Doctor pretended not to listen. 

“I don’t want you to make a promise we don’t know if you can keep,” he said. “I don’t want you to feel guilty. I am yours, no matter what, and I am honoured to be near you, however you’ll have me. Okay?”

“Okay,” she said, voice thick. 

They lay down on their sides, watching each other across the space between the beds, as The Doctor sedated them both.

_ I won’t let it change anything _ , Kathryn promised herself, before everything went dark. 

\--------------

Kathryn woke up with a jolt, sitting bolt upright only moments after waking. She was almost ready to write it off as a dream, but The Doctor was avoiding looking at her and when she glanced at the biobed Chakotay was watching her with an open, longing stricken expression. He had always worn his heart on his sleeve, and it was right there, unmistakable for her to see - for her to take - and it hurt. 

There was no pretending it was a dream, even for a brief moment. 

Kathryn swung herself to the side of the biobed, heart aching as she turned her back to Chakotay. She buried her face in her hands as the last month sunk it’s claws under her skin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sori (◕︿◕✿) i will try not to leave you hanging for more than a day or two <3 Thank you as always for the lovely comments <3


End file.
